Tips for Talking With Teens

It's tempting to think that talking about sexual behavior will put ideas into innocent heads... The truth is, most 12-14 year olds have already heard a lot about sex... and much of that information is inaccurate.

Talking with youth about sexuality does not promote sexual behaviors. It allows parents to:

• Share your values about love and relationships. Teens need to hear that certain sexual behaviors are okay to wait for.
• Emphasize that there are many emotional, social, spiritual and physical consequences from sex that are hard for teens to understand. Addressing reputations, regrets, heart ache, guilt, infections and pregnancy are just some of the concerns with sexual intimacy.
• Relate that all humans are sexual and that curiosity is normal.
• Show that you believe your teen can make good decisions—it lets them know that they do have choices.
• Encourage up-front communication with your teen's boy/girl friend about what behavior your teen will allow. Even though the media romanticizes the "let's just see what happens" attitude, sex shouldn't "just happen".

Most parents think that abstinence is the best choice for teens. But teens don't necessarily get that message from American society. Ads, music, TV and movies all seem to say, "Just do it!" To balance this, teens need to hear from their parents.

TIPS FOR TALKING ABOUT SEX:

• It takes more than one talk. The "big talk" was inadequate a generation ago. Make conversations about abstinence and sex ongoing, with lots of give and take.
• Plan ahead - know what values and behaviors you want to discuss. Know your resources—do your homework!
• Think of some opening lines: I hear kids your age... What do you think about ... What are your friends doing?
• Plan on a calm, quiet time to start the discussion: in the car, washing dishes, taking a walk.
• Take advantage of teachable moments - they come up when you least expect! Pick a show/movie to watch together and discuss.
• Be firm and clear when talking. And LISTEN! Don't interrupt, judge or argue—keep the door open to future conversations about tough topics.
• Let your teen know you respect his/her ideas, even if you don't agree. Teens often "try on" opinions to see how others will react.
• Don't tease, make fun or use sarcasm. Guaranteed to cut off communication.
• Don't be too critical of the TV shows, music, and movies your teen likes. Your goal is not to change your teen's taste, but to help him/her think analytically and form his/her own opinions.
• Be patient. If your teen doesn't want to talk, try again another time.
• Teach effective communication skills. Help your teen identify and relate his/her own values. Help plan a talk with a partner, so it's not put off until the "heat of the moment". Encourage a focus on future goals.
• Remember positive reinforcement. "I'm really glad you asked me that." "I'm so proud of you for..."
• Gather support. Talk with other parents about rules, boundaries, what works/doesn't work.